It's not me...

It's Him! That's what I always say when people ask me how we are managing with 7 children and everything else life throws your way. And it has been Him! When I'm told I make 7 kids look easy, or "I can't believe your house is so clean and the kids always clean and dressed so cute." That part is not always so, but for the most part, yes, it's been relatively easy to keep up with the house. Of course my amazing husband who can cook and care for kids at the same time may have something to do with it! But really, even with homeschooling we were doing fine and I felt like God had chosen this way for us, busy, sometimes crazy, but entirely blessed, joyful and peaceful. I love using it as an opportunity to tell people what the Lord has done in our lives and in the lives of our sweet children.

Yet this last two weeks (maybe three?) have been anything but peaceful. Too crazy, too busy, too hard to be joyful. There are always joyful times, but for the most part I've wanted to pull my hair out, cry and even scream. Someone is always fighting, someone else is refusing to nap, waking her twin constantly, another is... Oh, I don't want to focus on the negative but I feel like such a failure recently! My house is a wreck. I need to get more organized and yet I've been scrapbooking instead of cleaning! Because it calms me. It reminds me of all the good memories we make and how it is all worth it.

Today, it did NOT feel worth it. When your children are fighting, when you feel like the day will never end, you get through it because they're yours and that's it. When I feel overwhelmed, I think "why on earth do I have 8 kids!?!" (We had Dylan for the weekend.)

I am weepy, discouraged and sad. Sad that my temper has gotten the best of me too many times the last week. Sad that I am not the kind of mother I want to be. Sad that I haven't gotten up early to have my quiet time in far too long. I am worn out! I can't do it anymore...

But He can.

How do I forget that!? Must I tattoo it to my forehead? I know I can do all things through Christ. Yet somehow I say yes to too much, things that aren't necessary, a couple days a week out on errands, shopping, not spending quality time with each child, and it's a recipe for disaster. I know the enemy of my soul and the 8 souls I live with and care for, is prowling like a lion looking for someone to devour. I've been not on guard! In fact I've been a sitting duck. I have not guarded our family time or my Sabbath.

Add to everything else visits from T~Bella's Dad and Grandma, attending a stressful court date, praying so many times about whether we should fight for T~Bella or not, not stopping to realize that she is in His hands and He will give us a peace about what we should do. I did not rest in that thought, I stressed and worried. I didn't sleep and I woke worrying some more. And if she does leave, and when Angel leaves mid to late summer, do we say no to anymore foster children?

I heard a first hand story once about Christian musician Rich Mullins who was killed in an car accident in '97. After a concert one night, friends told him he looked terrible, tired and worn out. These concerned friends said they were worried about him and would be praying for him. He replied with something along the lines of I want you to worry for me, pray for me, when I'm not looking tired. I'm about my father's business and I'm working hard. I am tired but it's awesome.

That's exactly how I've felt for better part of the last year. Since the Lord gave us Hope and Halle. Why so low now?

Chad and I will be in prayer for our future ministry. Should we stick to 5 for awhile? Focus on Calvary Chapel Monroe (which is going strong and the Lord is blessing~so very exciting!). Should we just look at the fall, getting into a good rhythm with homeschooling from September to December then reconsider in January? I'm not sure and do ask for your prayers, if you've gotten this far. It's mostly just been to sort out my thoughts. He desires to freely give His wisdom, I just need to seek it and take my eyes off of myself and my failures and look to my Lord.

"Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you'll recover your life. I'll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won't lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you'll learn to live freely and lightly." Matthew 11:28-30 (The Message) Copyright © 2002 by Eugene H. Peterson